Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.