Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

How to walk around a museum

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.