My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
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All right then, keep your secrets
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
🤣✨#caturday
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.