Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.