Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

how long have you had this for?

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

My teenage children choosing violence

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity