@dixonshuman

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

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@meganmuircoyle

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

@jennifermerr

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

@reallifemommy3

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

@bornmiserable

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

@FunnyCauseImFat

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”

@usermcuserface

I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?