My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.