My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

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Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”


I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.


I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall


Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.


[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason


My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”


I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.


‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?