My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
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Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
I’d love this…lol
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?