Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.