My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
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I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
sistine chapel
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.