My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
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i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
shakira sharkira
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”