My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
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Quadruple digit IQ
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Sing it!
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.