My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
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I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?