Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

they finally got him. they got macavity

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan