My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
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When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?