My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
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website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.