My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
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I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.