My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
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I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.