my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
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Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*