my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
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We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
do horses think humans are hats
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
the #horror is real!
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.