my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Ferrari squats
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”