Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

Emma is smarter than all of us.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

I feel seen

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.