My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
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What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.