My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
You Might Also Like
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it