Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

Who does Amazon think I am?

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.