Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

I’m literally crying

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.