My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?