My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
He took my last fry, your honor
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
They’re stuck in your pants?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot