My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Trying
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
shut up and take my money
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.