Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

me when i smell free food in the break room

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.