Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?