My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
You Might Also Like
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
first responders? you mean reply guys?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.