My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
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I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Finally, a door that understands me
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices