My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
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“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
good work, detective
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.