My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
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Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I can’t be the only one 😂
