My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
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[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
adding to the discourse
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.