My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.