My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
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When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
😜
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Y’all know who you are.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.