My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
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ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I unironically love this joke.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.