My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
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Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
The first matador
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
A ghost story
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
liiiiiiiiike
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WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it