My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
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*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Strange
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE