My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
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The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom