My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
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‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
The Others (2001)
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!