My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
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Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark