My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
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me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!