My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You Might Also Like
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My birthstone is kidney
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.