My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
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I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.