Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

😂😂

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

That 👊

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.