My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
☠️☠️☠️
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
Wait a minute…
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.