My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
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As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
when you are just born a rebel
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Why is everyone getting married at me
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.