My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
You Might Also Like
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.