My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
You Might Also Like
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
so much to do
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.