My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea