my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I’m never leaving this app.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Life cycle of cat
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
DOOO EEEET
