my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
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You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*