my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.