my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
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When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep