Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )