Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

😭😭

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.