Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

Suuuuure

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

Reporter: *ports again*

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.