Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa