Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.