@omgshuddup

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

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@notacroc

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

@onlinepope

I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff

@Parker_Simpson

wonder if ppl who watch the show Finding Bigfoot are aware that every episode they watch will end with them not finding Bigfoot…

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

@jeffpfeifer66

Moaning and gasping “Give it to me baby!” during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor.

Anybody know one?

@Taryn_

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

@dadthatwrites

When I’m being productive, I put off a productivity pheromone that my toddler can smell & it makes her suddenly crave my undivided attention.

@teen_news69

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”