My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
X-tra spooky blend
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.