Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

shit just got real

Happy Febuary everyone!

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

need him

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.