Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

These 3D printers are insane!

this is the most humiliating day of my life

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.