My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 馃檨
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Running barefoot, the morning鈥檚 dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I鈥檝e made it to the curb on time.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
what kind of cook setting is this??
HIM: I鈥檓 not crying, you鈥檙e crying
ME: we鈥檙e all crying, this is a funeral
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I鈥檓 glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn鈥檛 want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me: hi! I鈥檓 here for my appointment.
Doctor鈥檚 office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I鈥檓ma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you鈥檙e in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Hypnotist: you鈥檙e feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
They should make statues of regular people. Like you鈥檙e walking through the park and there鈥檚 a statue of your friend Jeff
Wikigenius
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them