My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
your honor my client chooses dare
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.