My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*