Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lube but for my dry humor.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind