My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
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is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
