Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Perfect.

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.