My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind