My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
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If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Monday
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
We’ve come full circle
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.